ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.