me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.


Sometimes It’s nice just to sit with the person you love.

But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all “Why you at our table?”


My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.



This looks like lead poisoning to me!

*Tugs nervously at his collar*


I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.


“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”


Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.


*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”


When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment