@decentbirthday

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

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@Peauxtassium

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

@thatUPSdude

Sometimes It’s nice just to sit with the person you love.

But then it has to get all awkward and her husband is all “Why you at our table?”

@mommajessiec

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

@CAshmanActor

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

@memetazaa

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

@ashmensch

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

@sarcasm_inc

*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”

@filloryqueenA

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment