me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.