Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
How I like cutting carbs
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.