Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Selfie
My circle of trust is a meatball
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
