Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
You Might Also Like
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
do what now??
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.