@djdarrellripley

Me: I have to go to a funeral.

Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?

Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

You Might Also Like

@TeflonPawn

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

@Kali_Mura

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

@lilgapeach32

Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

@Browtweaten

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”320887992258543616″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”208″;s:5:”tweet”;s:112:”Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 6 minutes?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@ojedge

“Spirits, are you there?”

[ouija board] IF  YOU  LIKE  IT  THEN  YOU  SHOULDA  PUT  A  RING  ON  IT

“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”

@thegreatnanak

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

@skickwriter

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

@XplodingUnicorn

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.