ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
hmm conte-me mais
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?