Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what