ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Dietest Coke
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.