Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
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Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….