Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent