Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
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Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
It’s a gift
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
the pigeons are already plenty salty