I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
(Jupiter –
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker