Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone