Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Every house has this drawer
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄