Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Need this in my life lol
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.