some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
i would lose weight but i hate losing
Omg I’m so thirsty-
*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH
*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
me: all my underwear is black, like my soul
also me: OH MY GOD IS THAT A PUPPY? IT’S SO PRECIOUS!!!! WHO’S A GOOD BOY YOU’RE A GOOD BOY! YES YOU ARE
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.