@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

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@BlindChow

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

@LifeUnPinterest

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

@Brentweets

If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.

@SondraDeeMe

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

@DaHess1

Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.

@realfunghi

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

@AnotherFunnyGuy

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.