Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

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*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
A no-good red!
Tough guy eh?
We can do this all night.


Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.


If you can’t handle me at my worst that makes sense and I’m sorry for setting your house on fire.


I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.


Christian Mingle: God has hidden a spouse for you on our website. Pay us $30 and see if you can find them.


[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.


If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.


THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.