@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

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@sarahclazarus

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

@MiSsSnObBy

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

@SoulYodeler

Omg I’m so thirsty-

*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH

*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE

@AbleLikes

me: all my underwear is black, like my soul

also me: OH MY GOD IS THAT A PUPPY? IT’S SO PRECIOUS!!!! WHO’S A GOOD BOY YOU’RE A GOOD BOY! YES YOU ARE

@3sunzzz

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

@thenatewolf

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.

@AristotlesNZ

Turns out exposing yourself to different cultures just gets you arrested in multiple countries.