me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
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Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”