Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor