@T_Bonezzz_

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

- @T_Bonezzz_

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@BuckyIsotope

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

@818Newbie

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

@KMoFlo_official

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

@DanMentos

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

@CornOnTheGoblin

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

@lisaxy424

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

@preawsaurus

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

@samalmightysam

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end