Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
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[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
it was a valiant fight
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year