Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
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Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.