Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
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One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Yup.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now