You Might Also Like
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]