me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
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I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
just got my engagement photos
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.