Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
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We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.