me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

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Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.


Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.


[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running


In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer


Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all


Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.


Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it


Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.