How times have changed.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
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My body language is more audible than visual.
Sir, the breadsticks are limitless, not unlimited. You only get one but its potential as a breadstick knows no bounds.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.