me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.
The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy