@justokpanda

Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.

[later]

The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH

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@aotakeo

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

@XplodingUnicorn

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

@chrissyteigen

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

@daplusk

Owls would be so much cooler if they could also say ‘are you’

@stockejock

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

@hellohappy_time

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

@ArfMeasures

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

@SteveSackington

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

@adamhess1

So if Humpty Dumpty is an egg, what species is the thing inside him? Another egg?
“No I mean do you have any questions about the job?”

@KeetPotato

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy