@justokpanda

Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.

[later]

The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH

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@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting. nnDidn’t get any stars. nGot RT’d to HR.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

@JayElem00

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

@shariv67

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

@scullymike

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

@simoncholland

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

@ToxicProbably

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

@Mike_Bianchi

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

@jordan_stratton

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

@UncleDuke1969

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s