Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
Me: I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Dermatologist: As we’ve discussed, the sun doesn’t have feelings and won’t know it’s been blocked.
The Sun: *gasps* that BITCH
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Wife: Is Mexican food ok for dinner? Don’t just text back k.
I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.
Me at 3am: *googles*
“How to bite mosquitoes back?”
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Advice from a 6 year old patient:
“You should wear your stethoscope everywhere…girls will really like you. You look smart”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!