Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
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Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I am patiently waiting for your email
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money