@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

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@AtticusFinch79

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

@AnnietheNanny1

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@Mikecanrant

Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.

@BigPlanetEarth

People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.

@pinupteacher

Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.

@Stap_Jr

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

@numbertze

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes