ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I’m a bad influence on myself.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.