ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

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[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast


A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.


*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]



Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.


People are like books. You can’t judge them by the outside and it’s not cool to burn a big pile of them.


Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.


Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.


If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes