Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.