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When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.


If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name


opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses


Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.


When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.


If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.


We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.


i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now


Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time