You Might Also Like

@bourgeoisalien

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

@junejuly12

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

@sixfootcandy

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

@fightgeek

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

@PaperWash

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time