me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
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Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.