Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
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ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Tuesday
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie