Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail