@sixfootcandy

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

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@iamledgin

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

@AmyLouise84D

The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.

@Bagyants

I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”

@zachreinert03

My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

@daemonic3

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

@druuuck

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

@autocorrects

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@MarfSalvador

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after