Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.


I can explain the casting for Thor. Norse mythology describes him as a “hauntingly beautiful blonde lady”


My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn’t want to be cocky about breathing


[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio


“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses


GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination


Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.



Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after