me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
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MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Yes, this is exactly right
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Meow
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Bike for sale
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky