@ArfMeasures

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

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@danjan13

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

@ibid78

*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”

@continentlbkfst

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@NicestHippo

[getting a massage]

MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin

SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean

@ObsKenobs

Teacher: your son has been bullying other students

The Mandalorian:

The Mandalorian, sighing: for their snacks?

Teacher: for their snacks

@chimneyspotter

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

@WilliamAder

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks