Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

You Might Also Like


No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.


*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”


[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts


Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!


[getting a massage]

MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin

SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean


Teacher: your son has been bullying other students

The Mandalorian:

The Mandalorian, sighing: for their snacks?

Teacher: for their snacks


DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]


“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks