@ArfMeasures

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

You Might Also Like

@Mom_Overboard

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

@lucyworld1

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

@novicefather

I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.

@My_Higherness

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

@siddo471

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

@murrman5

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

@coffeeandvinyl1

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.