No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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*throws up gang signs*
“Ew gross, I don’t remember eating that.”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[getting a massage]
MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin
SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean
Teacher: your son has been bullying other students
The Mandalorian, sighing: for their snacks?
Teacher: for their snacks
Behind every YouTube star is an Ikea bookshelf
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks