[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
I’m at my most audacious and brazen when I shamelessly use words like audacious and brazen.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.