Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.


other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread


*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?


People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government


Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.


guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much


If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?


[Working in a hospital]
ME: Well, this guy’s autopsy is done
NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy
ME: Uh oh


White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo


*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*