Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets