To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Me: Between 2 and 5
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
People who argue Hillary is crooked; boy have I got news for you on the rest of the government
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?
[Working in a hospital]
ME: Well, this guy’s autopsy is done
NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy
ME: Uh oh
White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*