Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.


Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth


Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too


I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li


[Interrogation room]
Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
*hears music*
*runs outside*


One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush


Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn’t home.


Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no


What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?