Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
-ICE CREAM MAN!”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn’t home.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?