Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You Might Also Like
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “