@MoneypennyNaked

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

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@TheBoydP

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

@ch000ch

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

@yobrah_

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too

@KattsDogma

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

@stephenjmolloy

[Interrogation room]
Good cop: “Confess and we will go easy on you”
Sweet tooth cop: “You bes-
*hears music*
-ICE CREAM MAN!”
*runs outside*

@caithuls

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

@iamk1ts

Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn’t home.

@ArfMeasures

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

@SlickestOfRicks

What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?