Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

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if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.


The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!


Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.


can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer


me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂


Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.


2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser