Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
How to make a woman crazy in two steps:
1. Take a picture of her
2. Don’t show her the picture
my dad once said “do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way” then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Give me a massage
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.