@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

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@iGreenMonk

Saw a sign on a truck said, ‘Driver carries no money.’ I guess he must be married.

@yashar

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

@leshnevsky

How to make a woman crazy in two steps:
1. Take a picture of her
2. Don’t show her the picture

@aardvarsk

my dad once said “do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way” then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am

@Seinfeld2000

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

@mommywhitfield

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

@MeatyPunk

“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1

FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”

@SatansTongue

Give me a massage
“Mm okay”
*rubs oil all over her*
*things get hot*
*things get too hot*
*she bursts into flames*
“Dang I used petroleum”

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.