@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

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@Skoogeth

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

@Laser_Cat

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

@TheBeerGuy73

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

@fro_vo

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

@dinoman_j

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes 🙂

@Jandalize

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

@BGH70

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser