@BlindChow

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

You Might Also Like

@darinlovesbacon

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

@ThatRascalPuff

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work ūüôĀ

@jaboukie

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they‚Äôre expensive‚Äďyou want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

@Kyle_Lippert

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

@Kalarlis

007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.

@JermHimselfish

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.