me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

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I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments


No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*


Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work ūüôĀ


if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they‚Äôre expensive‚Äďyou want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight


I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.


007 is fired, becomes a scientist. He opens meetings with, “The name’s Bond, Hydrogen Bond.” Everyone laughs. He cries in the supply closet.


Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.


Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.