me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
BaD BoY!!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what