@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

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@random6691

If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@minivansandgin

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

@Ristolable

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

@vexroid

This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.

@internetluke

[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere

@Marlebean

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

@1CleverGirl1

3 days ago I ate my daughters’s m&m’s while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate ’em She’s still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.

@MaryJustice86

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.