If you start with 17 teeth and lose 14, you have 3 left. It’s basic meth.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
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[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
C: I saw her come in with you.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
3 days ago I ate my daughters’s m&m’s while she was napping. When she woke I told her the cat ate ’em She’s still mad at the cat. Dumb kid.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.