Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
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Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad