Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
My time has come.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive