Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*