Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
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Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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