Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
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When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS