@AimeeHelene1

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

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@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

@momjeansplease

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

@SadPeruna

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

@mollzbenn

I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.

@sploosk

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

@Darlainky

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

@RichardWiseman

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

@TheFearBoners

I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I’ll forget it. Like ‘pick up milk,’ ‘go to bank,’ ‘you don’t hate minorities.’

@sherrysworld

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”