Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
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there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”