Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
If only.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?